i find out about the job today. it's strange that the end is so palpably close. i almost don't want to know. almost. i mean, if i were to get it, i would become a something. all of that is frighteningly identity-shaping. i am happy as a student, a friend, a flatmate right now. i don't feel like i need to be a ___________ [a hairdresser/a writer/a politician/a dancer etc]. of course i eventually want to be something. and maybe this is just me clinging onto shreds of my youth. and of course i eventually want to be this thing. if i get it [and i could easily not], i will start next year. so perhaps that's enough in between time for farewelling student days.
i won't find out today anymore. a delay of a few days and i am filled up on caffeine with a too-fast heart. hushed conversations in toilets with hopeful girls fill the void, this unknowing emptiness. i fucking want to know now.